Winning Against Yourself

October 7, 2011

I was a dysfunctional husband throughout my marriage because of my marijuana habit. After we separated, my father took ill and my Mom’s health was failing so I was back and forth to help her.

Q: Dear Jacqui,
I was a dysfunctional husband throughout my marriage because of my marijuana habit. After we separated, my father took ill and my Mom’s health was failing so I was back and forth to help her.

While I was gone, my wife became attracted to another man. She seemed real happy. We had many discussions and something happened to me. I changed inside and quit the habit. I wanted to become the man she wanted me to be. But it is too late.

A different man wants to take her out, and it is killing me. I can’t sleep. The pain is unbearable. All I want is for her to see who I am now and fall in love with me again. Is that impossible? I am so deeply distraught. How do I go on? 
Brad

A: Dear Brad,
You have already taken the first courageous step in going on with your life. You have changed your attitude about yourself. This is the most important action in changing your life for the better. I cannot promise that it will bring back your wife. That requires reaching her from your heart and a willingness on her part to give your marriage another try. There is lots of healing to do and, as you say, she may not be willing to give up the happiness she is feeling now. I would suggest you involve a therapist or a marriage counsellor to guide you.

However, if you follow your new path and learn to like and respect yourself you will see life’s opportunities rather than life’s problems.

You’ve experienced that it all starts with you. If you don't like and love yourself -- why should anybody else? If you are self-destructive why would anybody want to share your life? Whatever your wife’s decision, you can recapture love and happiness. You win in either case. You win yourself back. You win your self-esteem and health. You become the man that you want to be and that's a glorious achievement. With a positive life attitude it wouldn't surprise me at all that you will find the woman who wants and can share a loving life with you and you will be ready to enjoy it.

In moments when your thoughts turn dark, remember, you have already proven that you can make the difference. You have changed. Build on your success and take the next step to become one with yourself so you can become one with another. 
Jacqui

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